AT A LOSS

I am at the end of a very long road, one that has not been easy for me, and there are several paths to take. I should be delighted that I get to choose what path to take, but I’m so down that can’t stand up, and all I have been doing is sitting there, waiting for the storm that I have run away from. I feel like an idiot waiting, I should be running away, but, I can’t. I am waiting for that storm to catch up to me, I am scared, I am down, and worst, I don’t know what to do.

            My mind is perhaps so weak right now. I’ve been trying to avoid this, to avoid it all. It’s choking me, and now that I have acknowledged, I am finding it hard to breathe. I KNOW what I must do, but I don’t have the strength to do it. I am so down, darkness has overcome me, and I can’t find the light. My heart hurts, my entire being hurts. And worst, I know why, I know how to deal with what ails me, but I can’t do it…

            I don’t want to give up, I am not one to give up, but dam if it’s hard. I am not the same that I used to be, in so little I changed so much. I don’t like going out, I don’t feel like I belong here, I don’t have an appetite for much, and I feel like I am wasting away. I don’t know how to deal with this, there are some things that I feel uncomfortable saying, and I don’t want to be where I am. Not the physical place, but where my mind and soul are. They are lost, I am at a loss.

            Tomorrow is another day. Perhaps I will be out of this state that I am in. I don’t want it to continue, it is too overbearing and I cannot stand it. I want to be free from this. I am young, and I am juggling too much. But that’s the way I like it. I want to do a lot, so I can stay away from thinking, clearly it is my downfall.

            As a side note, I will not make it a habit of posting on Sundays. I want consistency, however, but I want Sundays to take a breath. What I write is sometimes a little too dark, and you will see what I mean on tomorrow’s post.

            Regarding Elesliel and his companions, the journey will soon end, but I don’t know when I will finish the fourth part. After that it will be a while before Elesliel returns. There are many more characters in the universe of The Crystal Tower, and they all deserve a spotlight!

            Finally, I want to share a rather personal post on Friday. Not a story but something I needed to write. It is past overdue, but it will come.

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